If I Could Turn Back Time....

...it would be to every Saturday morning for the past 25 years. Saturday mornings are why life is worth living. There is that moment when your eyes flicker open for a second on Saturday morning, and you realize you have absolutely nothing to do that day. And it feels perfect. You close your eyes again, thinking about going back to sleep for the rest of the day.  Heck, you might not even get out of bed until Sunday night. You're wrapped in a decadent cocoon of covers, snuggled so warmly around yourself. Everything is right in the world. There are no alarms going off, no thoughts of the shower or the dilemma of what to wear to work.

  I lay awake for awhile in bed on Saturday mornings; just staring about and wondering how much effort I'm really going to put in to making something out of the day. Most of the time I think about what to eat for breakfast, and whether or not I should make coffee or go out and treat myself to a latte. The feeling of a Saturday morning is pure happiness. And the only thing that actually gets me out of bed, is an urgency to pee (although I've highly considered wetting the bed on numerous occasions just so I don't have to move), and my growling stomach. But again, sleep trumps hunger, and I would choose sleep any day over food.

  This morning when my alarm went off I cursed the bloody thing twice, and pressed snooze a few more times. Monday mornings suck more than....well more than anything as far as I'm concerned. Monday's make me want to weep. If you know me, you know mornings (especially Monday mornings) are my nemesis.  The only thing that would make a Monday morning worse, is if I were at home and my mom was singing me her "Time to get up in the Morning" song.

Thank God tomorrow's Tuesday.

(p.s- Mom, on rare occasions I actually do miss when you sing that song, but not on Mondays. Sorry.)

I also searched for a good song about the hatred of Monday Mornings, but I could only find Fleetwood Mac's worth posting. Even though they don't seem to share the notion that Monday's are evil, but they still rock.

Koreans and Their Nonsensical Ways : Part II

Koreans are very nonsensical. I too, am very nonsensical, but in a way that makes sense. To me. Don't judge, just laugh.

1- I sometimes feel like I'm living in an episode of Mad Men. (Best show ever by the way.) Except a more modern, incredibly crude, Korean kinda version. The business men drink an inordinate amount of alcohol all day everyday, and well into the evening. It's not unusual to be walking down the street to see a business man passed out on the sidewalk, still in his shiny business suit, looking all business like. (Minus the pile of puke beside him, and the drool coming from his half opened mouth.)

2- Koreans are insane about recycling. I'm talkin' separate bins, separate boxes, color coded, every last bit can be saved, kind of recycling. But yet they insist on packaging things in a way that makes their recycling obsession almost double the work and effort it has to be. If I buy a box of crackers in the states, it's only a matter of tearing the box open and maybe tearing the inside plastic bag open before I'm wrist deep enjoying my Wheat Thins. However here, it takes several more steps before I actually get to eat the crackers. First you have to open the box. Second you see that there are actually four tiny little bags of crackers inside the box. Then you go to open the individual bag of crackers, only to find a little plastic cup you have to pull out to get to the crackers. By then I'm so fed up, it's almost comical that there are only three tiny, limp, crackers sitting atop their plastic bed waiting for me to eat them.

3- Okay, I have to touch on what the women wear again. Some of the women dress so exquisite that I instantly turn into a Mexican construction worker, bring two fingers to my mouth, and let a whistle rip. But some of the women, my oh my, I can't for the life of me figure out what's going on in their little, overly worked minds. It seems anything goes. Matching is a term used quite loosely here. Stripes go with polka dots, checks go with Mickey Mouse, socks go with sandels. I saw a woman the other day wearing a fur coat on her top half, and the shortest jean shorts known to man. I wanted to scream at her, "which is it lady?! WINTER OR SUMMER?!"

4- Red lights are optional. In fact, traffic lights in general serve no actual purpose in Korea. I'll be waiting patiently for the little green man to give me the a-okay to cross the street, only to look over and see an ajuma and her visor pulled so far down her face she can hardly see, speeding down the street directly at me. I try to scream, "Ma'am! You're running a red light!" But she doesn't care, only speeds right past me 20 mph too fast, swerving to miss the other adjuma who has run the red light on the other side.

5- The kids I have in my class, are for the most part adorable. And with the absurd obsession with name brands here, the mothers send their kids to school dressed head to toe in brands like Burberry, Prada, Coach, Dolce and Cabana. Some of the outfits these kids wear to school, cost more than I make in a matter of three months. Trust me, I've googled it. It makes me want to scream because you know what we do in PRESCHOOL? We paint. And we run around outside in the playground. And we glue. And we eat red colored kimchi flavored everything. How do I say, "I'm sorry, but your child's $500 shirt that they wore to school today is completely ruined do to the massive amount of paint and gluing we did today", in Korean again?

I think this is sufficient enough for a second-parter in the nonsensical Koreans list. I should really write some of these down, because more often in not during the day I'm frantically looking around looking for another foreigner so that we can share a, "wtf?" moment. But for now I have lesson planning to do for the week ahead. :)

Late Night Jibberish

Worry stricken once again at 1 am, here I am trying to piece together the thoughts that are taking over my mind tonight.

I often lie in bed at night with a plethora of thoughts that spin around in my head so fast and so continuously, it's only a matter of time before I give in and feverishly write something else on my "To Do" list for tomorrow, or finish that last chapter, write another blog entry, or email that friend I haven't responded to in months. I sometimes try to remember what I dreamt of the night before, and think about how strange my dreams have been lately. Have you ever noticed that remembering dreams is almost like a curse? I seem to remember my dreams, down to the very last detail, and can be thinking of them from time to time throughout the day. But when I go to actually write down, or tell a co-worker of my dream on the walk to work, it's like the words are unavailable. No matter how long I can sit there and remember perfectly what had occurred in the dream, when it comes time to actually tell about the dream the words just don't make any sense. It's as if the words have not yet been invented in the English language.

Dreams are more often than not a topic my brain usually turns to in the quiet hours. I'm beginning to think that dreams are seducing me in such a way, that if I were given a choice to spend the rest of my time in my dreams or my reality, I would absolutely choose my dreams.

Many of my dreams are about a person I used to share my life with. I sometimes wish right before I close my eyes that I do not dream of this person, because when I wake up and realize what I have dreamt, I am inevitably sad. I know that one day I will no longer dream of this person, and at least my heart will rest. Some of my dreams are spent in countries I have not yet visited, and of people I have not yet met.

My daydreams have been consumed with one question the last few weeks. Is this all there is? Is this as good as it gets at this point in time, in Korea, at 25 years old? I realize that was more like three or four questions, but you get the idea. I have been able to realize that when I begin to ask myself these questions, I know it is time to go. It is time for the next destination, the next stage, the next adventure, the next country. Is it that I am not satisfied here? Is it that I always believe the next destination will more than likely satisfy me more than my previous one? What exactly will it take to satisfy me?

I don't think Korea is the place for me. But I still have a few months left here so I have to make it work somehow. It's not that I'm unhappy here, I'm quite content. But something is not fluid about my life here, this can't be all that there is. I was told once that I have too high of expectations, and maybe that's true, but my high expectations are what drive me to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend.

For now I will try to be in the moment as much as my mind, and this country will let me. I hope that soon, my dreams and my next adventure will become a reality.

I don't feel like singing tonight

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you're outside your own body looking down at yourself? Or those moments where it's as though some huge hand from above reaches down and literally gives the world a quick spin, and you're standing there in the middle watching it go by with blurred lights and smudged sounds?

I try to look at myself in these ways as much as possible, so that I can attempt to figure out what's missing or what's actually there. I find myself thinking about my life in such different attitudes, that literally seem to change day by day. One day I feel like I am in the exact spot I'm supposed to be, that I am doing all that I can possibly be doing to be fulfilled. And the next day I'll be whimpering around my apartment thinking to myself, "what in God's name am I doing living in South Korea?".

It's hard to compare yourself to everyone around you that's your age, wondering if you're not doing enough or if you're trying too hard. I often find myself comparing myself to my family, and feel inferior at times to my brother who actually has a career and a mortgage for pete's sake. But I'm sure if you'd ask my brother he'd tell you he was envious of my nomadic existence, so the grass really isn't greener on the other side.

Even though the only thing that I want to do is travel, and to see as much as I can possibly see....I also want to be able to sustain myself financially, emotionally, and intellectually. Part of me wants to go back to grad-school, but the thought of owing anymore money makes me want to stick kimchi fried rice in my eyes. Part of me wants to keep traveling forever, and keep experiencing those once in a life time moments that happen when you're in different countries with such a vast variety of different people. I feel a bit in a stand still here in Korea because I'm not technically traveling right now, I'm actually just living in Korea. I travel on my breaks, and am saving money to travel after the year, but here I have everything I need to have a sustainable life.

It makes me anxious. It makes me bored. It makes me think that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It makes me lost, and when I'm lost I've been known to run. I run because I am searching so desperately for something not to run from. Am I doing the right thing here? Am I the person I want to be?

Sometimes my legs are just so damn tired.

Chuseok = The Best Day at Work Everrrrrr

Yesterday marked the last day of work for a whole week! We have an entire week off to honor the Korean "thanksgiving" called Chuseok. I have never been more excited to sleep and do nothing in my entire life. Yelling at kids and making their lives miserable eight hours a day, five days a week, really takes it out of you. I really have no plans this week except to sleep late, read books, and eat dok bo ki everyday (which I've recently become obsessed with due to the fact that I'm trying to train my taste buds to like spicy food, and it's insanely cheap).

I may try to make it out to a nearby island or beach coast for a day or two in the middle of the week. There are some pensions that you can rent right on the beach for fairly cheap, and it sounds like a good day or two trip. When I sat down to think of what I wanted to do for a vacation, I realized I haven't really seen much of Korea. So that will change, soon I hope.

Anyway, back to Chuseok. All the children came to school in their traditional Hanbok outfits, which were the most beautiful things I have ever seen. They were all hot as hell in them and dripping sweat, but they looked too cute to boot. The Hanboks were so colorful and really well made, and most of the Korean teachers wore them too. Of course since I have a Chinese co-teacher, we were pretty much clueless the entire day.

Each period we brought our children around to different stations and traditional Korean games. One period we made rice cakes, and one period the children were allowed to play on this human teeter totter. This human teeter totter was the most dangerous thing I have ever seen, but the Koreans insisted that it was a traditional game and I shouldn't need to worry. So I just put the schizo kid on there and let him have at it. It was actually quite hilarious, dangerous, but really really funny.

I also got plenty gifts from children's mothers, which was not expected but very much accepted. The end of the day ended with a huge staff party with wine, cheese and crackers, candy and music. It was literally the best day I have ever had at any place I have ever worked. I took as many pictures as I could with my camera, but I was also trying to take pictures with the schools camera and juggling two was really difficult.  Hopefully the pictures will do some justice to how cute the kids looked, but probably not.

Kids Say the Darndest Things part deuce

**Scene takes place during role play. Child is dressed as a nurse (a male nurse mind you), and I am dressed as....me.**

Aaaannd scene.

Man nurse child : "Teacher...come, you broken."

Me : "Oh okay. Nurse, nurse! I think my arm is broken!"

Man nurse child : " I fix you. Here is a shot."

Me : "Thank goodness, thank you for fixing me doctor..er..male nurse child!"

Man nurse child : "Okay, now....time for the breast exam!"

Me : "Um. Lets play Mail Man instead."

Insane in the Membrane

I've been neglecting my blog lately, and I'm not sure why. I think maybe nothing has seemed worth writing about, or that everything has changed so much in the last few weeks it has taken awhile to sort out in this crazy brain of mine. Either way, I'm writing now, so don't get your panties in a rut people.

I changed jobs, meaning I am now a teacher at an international school. No more riding the subway for an hour, walking 15 minutes in 100% humidity, or standing at the gate of the kindergarten for a half hour. No more 30 kid classrooms, no more 25 minute classes, and no more Jin Bae. While there are some things I miss about the kindergarten, I could not be happier to be teaching at this new school.

I am now teaching Pre-K with my own class of about 9 kids. The school is great. I have tons of resources, art materials, activities and even my own co-teacher. My co-teacher is Chinese, which still doesn't make sense to me...but hey, what does in this country?

The only things that could potentially make this job worse, are the fact that one of my kids is a closeted serial killer, and one should be in the looney bin. But that's neither here nor there as of right now. However stay tuned, because I'm taking notes, pictures, and soon video to prove these two urgent (and completely valid) statements.

The weather is starting to turn, thank god. I need some foliage in my life. I can't wait for fall, and even had a kick off to fall potluck over the weekend. It was really great. I had to explain what a potluck was to everyone who wasn't American for about 30 minutes, but finally people got the idea and came around. "What the fuck is a potluck ol' chap?"

I've been reading a lot, and currently indulging in In The Woods by Tana French. It's really good so far, kind of creepy and if you know me you know that I'm into creepy things. I once Googled 'how to cut of my own arm' for hours, you know, in case it came down to that. And then proceeded to try to do everything with my feet for days. It's actually fascinating if you think about it. I could definitely get on Oprah for that.

Anyway, there's no real point in my post except to let you know (I know there's only like 5 of you that actually read my blog, so thanks for that) that I'm still alive and kicking. I'll be writing more this month, as there's a lot on my mind. And people have been telling me I'm funny, which I've known all along, but am glad to see others are starting to figure it out too.

I'm leaving you with one of my top 5 favorite songs, just because it makes me happy.