This Country Makes Me All Kinds of Crazy

I'm almost 100% positive that at any given moment in this country, I am completely, and utterly clueless as to what's going on. This has proved to be quite irritating for my A-type personality.

Of course I don't speak Korean, nor can I read the language. I can say about three words in Korean, and that has gotten me thus far. I truly do intend to learn more, but it's been a bit daunting. Especially when I go to speak I automatically turn to Spanish, which doesn't work out so well with these Koreans.

I remember when I first arrived; I was literally paralyzed in my own apartment. I woke up at the butt crack of dawn the first day, which hasn't happened since.... I dunno, birth. Apart from thinking, "whoa...this is morning?!" I was also trying to figure out where the hell I was. I had my backpack, my computer, and a small twin mattress lying on the floor. I had no food, no water, and no cell phone. For the next 8 hours or so I tried to convince myself to go outside and attempt to get something to eat. 

I was petrified. What if I tried to pay for something and the person at the counter asked me a question in Korean? Or what if I got lost and couldn't find my way back to the apartment? What if I came home to my apartment and there was a killer inside waiting to attack me, and then no one would find out for a long time because I wasn't reachable in this freaking country yet, and hadn't even reported to work, nor told my parents I had arrived safely? (This is how my brain works people. Deal with it.)

So eventually I made it down to the mini-stop, and eventually made it to my job, and eventually made new friends. But the confusion cloud that surrounds this country is just as thick as the mold growing in the upper right hand corner of my shower that I can't reach. 

I never know what's going on at work. Everyday I come and something has changed. The time I teach has changed, the order of classes has changed, the children get perms, the cd player is broken, the Korean teachers are nice, (but most of the time they're mean), or there are just no children all together. I can't even begin to think of how many times I've showed up to work and there are no children. I walk in and the teachers laugh like it's the funniest thing in the world. Then they make the big "X" motion with their arms (you know exactly what I'm talking about), and attempt to tell me there's no school today. You would think they could find a way to CALL me before making the hour trip to work. They know the word "no", and they know "teacher Kasserin", and they even know "today".  Surely they can connect a sentence over the phone like, "No teacher Kasserin today". 

You see the thing is, as much as Korea has the reputation of being so organized and efficient (or is that Japan? Who knows, the rule of thumb seems to be Asians have their shit together. Period), it's not the kind of organized and efficient that I need it to be. If you know me, you know how I am. And while it may drive you nuts, things have to be organized, things have to be clean, and things have to have a reason behind them. Otherwise my brain won't have it. 

For example; why do all Korean doors say 'push' in English, but are clearly all 'pull'? Or why can I only pay my utilities bill at one certain bank that is a 15-minute walk away, when there are at least 10 other banks on the way? Why does the Korean man with the button up shirt and bad comb-over on the subway in the morning insist on doing very inappropriate stretches that make everyone else around him uncomfortable? Why does my washing machine skip the rinse cycle sometimes, so that when I go to pull my clothes out they're still sopping in soap? Why do the Koreans do the 'Korean squat'? Doesn't it hurt their knees?

I never know the answer to these ‘whys' in this country, and the reasoning behind some of these things if you ask a Korean, are almost always ludicrous. "Excuse me, why isn't the air-conditioner on today?" "Not hot". "Yeah you're probably right. 36 above with 70% humidity does seem rather cool today". 

While living here I've learned I can't have complete control over my environment, nor do I want to. I've learned people are perfectly happy doing things that don't make any sense to me, and they're perfectly happy having no common sense reason behind it. I do know that this country keeps me on my toes nearly everyday. Heck, I'm a god-dammed ballerina over here. 

Give me a book, a cup of coffee, an art museum, a photography exhibit, live music, good beer, a person I love, something to clean, something to look forward to, any of these things and I'm happy. And I can find these things in Korea. Who knows, maybe I'm the one who doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm the crazy one. 

Haha. Yeah right. 

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Me: Okay everybody turn the page to letter Z!
Students: Letter J!

Me: No, not letter J, letter Z! Z-z-z-zzzzz
Students: J-j-j-jjjjj

Me: Okay lets try a picture. What's the first picture of?
Students: Zebra!

Me: Good! Okay what's the second picture of?
Students: Jew!

Me: I'm sorry what?
Students: J-j-jewwwww!

Me: Um no. The second picture is of a ZOO! Z-z-zoooooo
Students: J-j-jewwwwww

Me: No. Listen to teacher. Watch my mouth.

---> Student raises his hand.


Me: Yes? Can you tell me what the second picture is?
Student: Teacher, Jews are dirty and stinky.

Me: Ay dios mios.  I give up.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

   I truly believe that almost half a persons character and personality is due to the way they were brought up, the nurturing (or lack thereof) by their parents, and just their parents existence in general. I believe I get my creative, organized and calm (don't laugh) side from dad. And just in the last few weeks, I've come to realize just exactly what I've gotten from you. 

  I want to thank you for teaching me to be an individual. I want to thank you for teaching me to be a strong-minded woman, and never apologizing for it. I appreciate the encouragement to do whatever I want to do in life, whether it involves going to graduate school or leaving everything and everyone behind to travel the world. 

 I thank you for letting me know I have a place in this world. To know that I can be critical, and that being critical is not always a negative thing.  Two things can happen to a person in this world: they can either let the world swallow them whole, or they can take the world into their own two hands and make whatever the hell they want their existence to be. 

 Being a white woman in Korea has taught me a lot about myself. I have realized how strong my character is, and how this is perceived by others. You have taught me to embrace this perception, and to not be embarrassed by it. I'm opinionated, loud, judgmental when I feel strongly about something, compassionate when something moves me, and critical of others but mostly of myself.

  At the end of the day it's all about being able to look yourself in the mirror, being able to wake up and feel that I am true to myself. From you I have learned that while our past still haunts us, it does not become the person we are on a day-to-day basis. 

 Thank you for being the one person I can rely on, and the one person who never gives up on me. It is from you that I have the courage to keep moving forward, to keep setting these wild almost unattainable goals for myself, and to always, always, always stand up for my beliefs. 

 If I had to pick just one thing I am thankful for, I am thankful that I am your daughter. 

Love always,

K

One Is The Loneliest Number

Today is The Fourth of July. Besides it being the fourth day of the seventh month, it is Independence Day back in the states. It was a weird day for me because I'm usually fairly excited about the fourth. The U.S traditions of barbeques all day long, good beer, and an amazing fire-works show to top off the night are all something I look forward to every year. I found myself avoiding other Americans here, and politely declining invites for barbeques. And I'm not really sure why. Maybe I've been in a bit of a funk this week, or maybe I didn't want to pretend that we could make the fourth as good as it is back home. Or maybe I didn't want to think about the states, people in the states, and what usually happens in the states on this day...at all.

Instead I did the normal Sunday duties. I made a big breakfast, did laundry, worked out, and attempted but failed to go grocery shopping. It was a fine day. And I'm okay with fine.

In the past week I have had some odd encounters with some Koreans. Most of the time any encounter with a Korean usually involves them treating me like a complete imbecile, staring at me like I'm from another planet, or just flat out pretending I don't exist. But the Koreans I have come in contact with (and when I say 'in contact' with I mean actually physical or vocal contact, obviously I come into contact with Koreans every single day), have been quite pleasant.

The first occurred when on a weekly walk with my friend Claire. We were crossing a bridge and this elderly Korean woman literally could not take her eyes off of us. So I waved and smiled, asked her how she was. She was taken back a bit, but smiled and mumbled something in Korean. We walked a bit further down the river and realized she was following us. She came right up on us and began talking to us. It was obvious with our blank stares that we did not understand what she was saying, but that did not seem to faze her. She kept speaking. She eventually grabbed us both by the arms and started to drag us down the path. She kept pointing up to some strange building, and gesturing wildly. This literally went on for 10-15 minutes or so, while Claire and I grunted something here and there and this woman-speaking non-stop in a language we did not understand. Then all of the sudden she hugged us, reached into her pocket, and handed us a small candy. She was actually very pleasant, and who knows what she was actually saying. But she seemed to like us, and if we could have understood each other who knows what kind of stories we could have shared.

The second occurred on that same day, as we were heading home. Since arriving we have been trained to keep our eyes on various trash areas in hopes to find something to furnish our almost completely bare apartments. On this particular day we found a gold mine. The apartment building next to ours had an entire treasure chest of things we wanted to take. Of course it just being the two of us, had to choose wisely. I really needed an office chair, and there was a decent one there. However, it was really short. I tipped it over and tried to unscrew all the knobs, when the Korean security guard came up. He started talking to us, but again we had no idea what he was saying. He was motioning with his hands and pointing down at the ground. We quickly realized he was saying there was a taller chair somewhere...presumably down in the ground? We weren't sure. He shuffled into the building and hollered at us to follow him. He went down to the basement, and opened this really large steel door. Now, looking back on this, it was probably really stupid of us to follow him into what we now call 'The Dungeon'. But this guy was a small, older Korean man, and we were certain we could take him if he tried any funny business. He then enters this pitch-black room, reaches up and pulls the light string. And there it was. A lone office chair much larger than the one in the trash, in a very dusty, creepy basement. Why was the chair in there execution style all alone in this creepy basement? We didn't ask. We took the chair, thanked the man, and went on our way.

It seems as though just when I think I have figured out my stance on a culture, or a place (bad or good) something happens and I change my mind. Even the coffee shop I visit every morning before I head into school, has a nice Korean owner who shares her fruit with me when I have the time to sit down.

When I was out on my walk today, I sat down on some rocks to take a little break. I started to think about my time here in Korea thus far, and what's to come next. And before I knew it I had tears in my eyes. And the strange part? I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I was upset. I just was. Maybe I was lonely, or maybe I was thinking of people celebrating the Fourth back home. Maybe I was missing someone I shouldn't miss, or wishing I could talk to a friend who turned me away. Maybe I was thinking how long a year actually is, and how sometimes the traveling I want to do after seems so far away.

Sometimes I feel off my game in this country, while sometimes I feel the strongest I have been in a long time. I change my mind about Korea everyday. And I suppose that's a good relationship to have with Korea. If it were too good I wouldn't want to leave and fulfill my goals of travel. And if it were horrible I would be high-tailing it back "home", where I feel more out of place than ever.

Sometimes you just have those days you know? Even in a country full of 50 million people, I still feel lonely sometimes.