Late Night Jibberish

Worry stricken once again at 1 am, here I am trying to piece together the thoughts that are taking over my mind tonight.

I often lie in bed at night with a plethora of thoughts that spin around in my head so fast and so continuously, it's only a matter of time before I give in and feverishly write something else on my "To Do" list for tomorrow, or finish that last chapter, write another blog entry, or email that friend I haven't responded to in months. I sometimes try to remember what I dreamt of the night before, and think about how strange my dreams have been lately. Have you ever noticed that remembering dreams is almost like a curse? I seem to remember my dreams, down to the very last detail, and can be thinking of them from time to time throughout the day. But when I go to actually write down, or tell a co-worker of my dream on the walk to work, it's like the words are unavailable. No matter how long I can sit there and remember perfectly what had occurred in the dream, when it comes time to actually tell about the dream the words just don't make any sense. It's as if the words have not yet been invented in the English language.

Dreams are more often than not a topic my brain usually turns to in the quiet hours. I'm beginning to think that dreams are seducing me in such a way, that if I were given a choice to spend the rest of my time in my dreams or my reality, I would absolutely choose my dreams.

Many of my dreams are about a person I used to share my life with. I sometimes wish right before I close my eyes that I do not dream of this person, because when I wake up and realize what I have dreamt, I am inevitably sad. I know that one day I will no longer dream of this person, and at least my heart will rest. Some of my dreams are spent in countries I have not yet visited, and of people I have not yet met.

My daydreams have been consumed with one question the last few weeks. Is this all there is? Is this as good as it gets at this point in time, in Korea, at 25 years old? I realize that was more like three or four questions, but you get the idea. I have been able to realize that when I begin to ask myself these questions, I know it is time to go. It is time for the next destination, the next stage, the next adventure, the next country. Is it that I am not satisfied here? Is it that I always believe the next destination will more than likely satisfy me more than my previous one? What exactly will it take to satisfy me?

I don't think Korea is the place for me. But I still have a few months left here so I have to make it work somehow. It's not that I'm unhappy here, I'm quite content. But something is not fluid about my life here, this can't be all that there is. I was told once that I have too high of expectations, and maybe that's true, but my high expectations are what drive me to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend.

For now I will try to be in the moment as much as my mind, and this country will let me. I hope that soon, my dreams and my next adventure will become a reality.