I don't feel like singing tonight

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you're outside your own body looking down at yourself? Or those moments where it's as though some huge hand from above reaches down and literally gives the world a quick spin, and you're standing there in the middle watching it go by with blurred lights and smudged sounds?

I try to look at myself in these ways as much as possible, so that I can attempt to figure out what's missing or what's actually there. I find myself thinking about my life in such different attitudes, that literally seem to change day by day. One day I feel like I am in the exact spot I'm supposed to be, that I am doing all that I can possibly be doing to be fulfilled. And the next day I'll be whimpering around my apartment thinking to myself, "what in God's name am I doing living in South Korea?".

It's hard to compare yourself to everyone around you that's your age, wondering if you're not doing enough or if you're trying too hard. I often find myself comparing myself to my family, and feel inferior at times to my brother who actually has a career and a mortgage for pete's sake. But I'm sure if you'd ask my brother he'd tell you he was envious of my nomadic existence, so the grass really isn't greener on the other side.

Even though the only thing that I want to do is travel, and to see as much as I can possibly see....I also want to be able to sustain myself financially, emotionally, and intellectually. Part of me wants to go back to grad-school, but the thought of owing anymore money makes me want to stick kimchi fried rice in my eyes. Part of me wants to keep traveling forever, and keep experiencing those once in a life time moments that happen when you're in different countries with such a vast variety of different people. I feel a bit in a stand still here in Korea because I'm not technically traveling right now, I'm actually just living in Korea. I travel on my breaks, and am saving money to travel after the year, but here I have everything I need to have a sustainable life.

It makes me anxious. It makes me bored. It makes me think that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It makes me lost, and when I'm lost I've been known to run. I run because I am searching so desperately for something not to run from. Am I doing the right thing here? Am I the person I want to be?

Sometimes my legs are just so damn tired.

Chuseok = The Best Day at Work Everrrrrr

Yesterday marked the last day of work for a whole week! We have an entire week off to honor the Korean "thanksgiving" called Chuseok. I have never been more excited to sleep and do nothing in my entire life. Yelling at kids and making their lives miserable eight hours a day, five days a week, really takes it out of you. I really have no plans this week except to sleep late, read books, and eat dok bo ki everyday (which I've recently become obsessed with due to the fact that I'm trying to train my taste buds to like spicy food, and it's insanely cheap).

I may try to make it out to a nearby island or beach coast for a day or two in the middle of the week. There are some pensions that you can rent right on the beach for fairly cheap, and it sounds like a good day or two trip. When I sat down to think of what I wanted to do for a vacation, I realized I haven't really seen much of Korea. So that will change, soon I hope.

Anyway, back to Chuseok. All the children came to school in their traditional Hanbok outfits, which were the most beautiful things I have ever seen. They were all hot as hell in them and dripping sweat, but they looked too cute to boot. The Hanboks were so colorful and really well made, and most of the Korean teachers wore them too. Of course since I have a Chinese co-teacher, we were pretty much clueless the entire day.

Each period we brought our children around to different stations and traditional Korean games. One period we made rice cakes, and one period the children were allowed to play on this human teeter totter. This human teeter totter was the most dangerous thing I have ever seen, but the Koreans insisted that it was a traditional game and I shouldn't need to worry. So I just put the schizo kid on there and let him have at it. It was actually quite hilarious, dangerous, but really really funny.

I also got plenty gifts from children's mothers, which was not expected but very much accepted. The end of the day ended with a huge staff party with wine, cheese and crackers, candy and music. It was literally the best day I have ever had at any place I have ever worked. I took as many pictures as I could with my camera, but I was also trying to take pictures with the schools camera and juggling two was really difficult.  Hopefully the pictures will do some justice to how cute the kids looked, but probably not.

Kids Say the Darndest Things part deuce

**Scene takes place during role play. Child is dressed as a nurse (a male nurse mind you), and I am dressed as....me.**

Aaaannd scene.

Man nurse child : "Teacher...come, you broken."

Me : "Oh okay. Nurse, nurse! I think my arm is broken!"

Man nurse child : " I fix you. Here is a shot."

Me : "Thank goodness, thank you for fixing me doctor..er..male nurse child!"

Man nurse child : "Okay, now....time for the breast exam!"

Me : "Um. Lets play Mail Man instead."

Insane in the Membrane

I've been neglecting my blog lately, and I'm not sure why. I think maybe nothing has seemed worth writing about, or that everything has changed so much in the last few weeks it has taken awhile to sort out in this crazy brain of mine. Either way, I'm writing now, so don't get your panties in a rut people.

I changed jobs, meaning I am now a teacher at an international school. No more riding the subway for an hour, walking 15 minutes in 100% humidity, or standing at the gate of the kindergarten for a half hour. No more 30 kid classrooms, no more 25 minute classes, and no more Jin Bae. While there are some things I miss about the kindergarten, I could not be happier to be teaching at this new school.

I am now teaching Pre-K with my own class of about 9 kids. The school is great. I have tons of resources, art materials, activities and even my own co-teacher. My co-teacher is Chinese, which still doesn't make sense to me...but hey, what does in this country?

The only things that could potentially make this job worse, are the fact that one of my kids is a closeted serial killer, and one should be in the looney bin. But that's neither here nor there as of right now. However stay tuned, because I'm taking notes, pictures, and soon video to prove these two urgent (and completely valid) statements.

The weather is starting to turn, thank god. I need some foliage in my life. I can't wait for fall, and even had a kick off to fall potluck over the weekend. It was really great. I had to explain what a potluck was to everyone who wasn't American for about 30 minutes, but finally people got the idea and came around. "What the fuck is a potluck ol' chap?"

I've been reading a lot, and currently indulging in In The Woods by Tana French. It's really good so far, kind of creepy and if you know me you know that I'm into creepy things. I once Googled 'how to cut of my own arm' for hours, you know, in case it came down to that. And then proceeded to try to do everything with my feet for days. It's actually fascinating if you think about it. I could definitely get on Oprah for that.

Anyway, there's no real point in my post except to let you know (I know there's only like 5 of you that actually read my blog, so thanks for that) that I'm still alive and kicking. I'll be writing more this month, as there's a lot on my mind. And people have been telling me I'm funny, which I've known all along, but am glad to see others are starting to figure it out too.

I'm leaving you with one of my top 5 favorite songs, just because it makes me happy.