I don't feel like singing tonight

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you're outside your own body looking down at yourself? Or those moments where it's as though some huge hand from above reaches down and literally gives the world a quick spin, and you're standing there in the middle watching it go by with blurred lights and smudged sounds?

I try to look at myself in these ways as much as possible, so that I can attempt to figure out what's missing or what's actually there. I find myself thinking about my life in such different attitudes, that literally seem to change day by day. One day I feel like I am in the exact spot I'm supposed to be, that I am doing all that I can possibly be doing to be fulfilled. And the next day I'll be whimpering around my apartment thinking to myself, "what in God's name am I doing living in South Korea?".

It's hard to compare yourself to everyone around you that's your age, wondering if you're not doing enough or if you're trying too hard. I often find myself comparing myself to my family, and feel inferior at times to my brother who actually has a career and a mortgage for pete's sake. But I'm sure if you'd ask my brother he'd tell you he was envious of my nomadic existence, so the grass really isn't greener on the other side.

Even though the only thing that I want to do is travel, and to see as much as I can possibly see....I also want to be able to sustain myself financially, emotionally, and intellectually. Part of me wants to go back to grad-school, but the thought of owing anymore money makes me want to stick kimchi fried rice in my eyes. Part of me wants to keep traveling forever, and keep experiencing those once in a life time moments that happen when you're in different countries with such a vast variety of different people. I feel a bit in a stand still here in Korea because I'm not technically traveling right now, I'm actually just living in Korea. I travel on my breaks, and am saving money to travel after the year, but here I have everything I need to have a sustainable life.

It makes me anxious. It makes me bored. It makes me think that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It makes me lost, and when I'm lost I've been known to run. I run because I am searching so desperately for something not to run from. Am I doing the right thing here? Am I the person I want to be?

Sometimes my legs are just so damn tired.